Online Dating and the Brain: The Virtual Reality Problem

Online dating is a virtual reality forum.

We are familiar with the idea of video games, VR goggles, and such. But we tend to forget that even literature is virtual reality. When you read a book, you are creating that world in your mind.

Research has shown in fact that there is a sweet spot for our brains. Too much information, and we are less emotionally/biochemically involved. Too little, and we cannot enter the scene. Give us just enough details, and our mind fills in the rest, with our emotions being triggered just as much as if the event was really happening.

Given the outline of a person, the details they offer in his/her dating profile, our brain fills in the rest.

We become deeply, emotionally involved when things like online dating profiles tickle our imagination just enough. We imagine the best version of who they are. We imagine the person we want them to be. We can picture ourselves being with, even marrying that person.

We think we’ve fallen in love based on a profile, but the person we’ve fallen in love with is an optimistic invention of our own creative minds.

What do we do about the virtual reality problem?

1) Acknowledge. Awareness is key. Knowing that we are falling in love with the idea of a person helps us to be less entangled in fantasy and thus less prone to surprise and/or disappointment when we meet and get to know the real person.

If we can at least see reality island from where we are standing (on the shores of fantasy island/at our keyboard — in a love daze), that’s a powerful first step.

2) Use it. When you write your profile, tell just enough to get your reader excited and engaged. The old “leave a little to the imagination,” is actually true. Flirtation is partly about illusion. However, you don’t want your prospective partners to be shocked or disappointed when they meet you in person. It’s a fine line. Be who you are. Don’t embellish the truth. Do show your best side while also showing your human side.