KQED Radio Show About Online Dating - The Matchmaking Maven

Today on KQED Forum, Scott Shafer interviewed three love and relationship experts about The Science of Online Dating.

He spoke with Pepper Schwartz, the mastermind behind the matching algorithm used on PerfectMatch.com; as well as Thomas Lewis, one of the authors of a seminal text (which I am currently reading), A General Theory of Love; and Eli Finkel, associate professor of social psychology at Northwestern University and media darling of the moment for his recently-published study debunking the use of algorithms such as Ms. Schwartz’s.

For the most part, I side with Eli Finkel. Whatever an algorithm does cannot encompass the most important elements of finding—and falling in—love, which depend, as Thomas Lewis explains, on parts of the brain that we cannot access consciously or logically.

We have to see the facial structure in three dimensions, perceive the messages transmitted by tiny contractions of hundreds of facial muscles, smell the pheromones, and hear the voice without electronic interference, of our potential partner in order to feel that final internal “clunk” that tells us we’ve found “the one,” or at least “a” one.

This is why I always advise my clients and friends to keep pre-first-date interactions short.

When you’ve found someone online that you might like, keep the emails and phone calls brief. Just enough so that you can do some basic vetting and stir the pot with a little bit of flirting, and then get to the live date as quickly as possible.

Our goals here being efficiency and effectiveness.

But back to this question of algorithms.

I do not advise my clients to use Perfect Match, E-Harmony, or similar. There is too much of a risk, as the experts also noted in today’s radio show, of inaccurate self-reporting. Allowing for some fairly harmless exaggeration (men uniformly make themselves taller; women, thinner), most of us are simply not capable of providing an accurate evaluation of our tastes, habits, etc.

I recently went on to Perfect Match to try their questionnaire for myself. I could easily see how my mood on any given day might change the way I answered their questions. I also saw how some questions didn’t allow for enough variation in the multiple choice answer options to encapsulate who I am.

Where the matchmaking power really lies is in the essay section of any online dating website. Your voice, how you present yourself, your sense of humor, and what you say you are looking for in a mate, these are what will work for you, not whether an algorithm matches you with someone who has the same outlook on early morning wake-ups, or jealousy, or political issues.

And how to deal with the risk of inaccurate self-reporting? Ask a friend to read your profile, or two. And if you would like professional communications and marketing help, contact me!