He Picked Courtney? Why I Love “The Bachelor”

It’s a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and doused in copious amounts of champagne.

Last night, the season’s Bachelor, Ben, picked this season’s woman-we-loved-to-hate, Courtney.

Their relationship is a train wreck. “After the Final Rose,” we learned that they’ve already called off the engagement once. Because Ben finally saw what we’d been watching lo these last 12 weeks. Courtney being not-a-nice-person.

My horses were knocked out of the race two and three weeks ago. I was rooting for Kacie B. Even though the teetotalling dad did seem like a deal-breaker. And she was rather young. And for Nicki. He had such ease with each of those women. They seemed warm, genuine, lovely. At least on TV.

So why didn’t he pick them? They are certainly wondering the same thing.

First, I’ll venture my Tuesday-Morning-Quarterback analysis of why NOT Lindzi.

How many times did we have to hear her talk about trying so hard to open up to him?

Red Flag #1: If you aren’t easily opening up to the person, maybe they aren’t the right person for you. You should like who you are when you are with that person. Just liking the IDEA of the person, how great they appear, how attractive, how fine on-paper (so to speak), is not enough. She never seemed at ease around him. (And the repeated hand-as-claw massaging the back of his non-inclined head while they kissed just looked ookey. Shudder.)

Red Flag #1.5: He talked over and over about how she could light up a room with her energy. Which is a great quality for a person to have. But that’s the on-paper thing again. Did she light him up? Didn’t look like it.

Lindzi seemed like a great girl to me. With dimples for days! Unfair that she was painted a few times with the “no depth” brush. I’m sure she has depth when she can really relax. I couldn’t help but wonder what life is like for her when she isn’t being so relentlessly chipper, even as I envied her seemingly endless supply of chipper-ness.

As to the lovely girls I would have picked if I was Ben. That is the other fun of watching the show, aside from the glorious train wreck spotting: getting to indulge in the pretending. I’d choose the pretty, spunky girl with the cowboy boots and the open heart. I am the pretty, spunky girl with the cowboy boots and the open heart!

But Ben chose the dark, quirky girl. Because he is dark and quirky, he says. Perhaps.

He chose her because of how he felt when he was with her. And most likely because as much as their fabulous parts match up (good looks, love of the outdoors, quirks), so must their broken parts. Something in him wants to wrestle with a girl who doesn’t get along easily in the world with other girls. Something in her longs for a guy who seems simple but will also reject her and make her work to win him back.

Again, just Tuesday-morning quarterbacking, here.

I’ll go on record as saying I actually hope they work it out.

Who doesn’t love a good fairy tale? Who doesn’t love to criticize and sneer at a relationship as public spectacle? Ah, the push-pull.

It’s a miracle that any of these Bachelor franchise couples make it. The structure of the show is beyond ridiculous. The fanning of the fantasy (I got my fairy tale — or somesuch, Ben said, during the finale), the unrelenting application of adrenaline-inducing date activities to simulate/stimulate the love impulse, the competition environment breeding desperation, the sleep deprivation, the jet lag, the culture shocks, the stunning locales, all doused heavily in the alcohol… for our entertainment.

In a way, the Bachelor franchise is no more interested in creating partnerships than are online dating services.

What???

Yes. The goal of The Bachelor, and the goal of online dating AS A BUSINESS, is the same: to make money; from advertisers, subscribers, sale of concept to investors.

So what do we take away from these money-making ventures? The former offers entertainment, clearly. (And for its participants, membership in an ongoing party circuit populated by other equally attractive and exhibitionist-type folk.)

The latter, we handle with care. Knowing that an online dating service is meant to provide a service, but is also meant to make money, we can take certain promises with a grain of salt. If a service says its matching algorithm is the key to relationship success, we can view that as a selling tool.

What I am most interested in for my clients is not a magic bullet provided by one site’s hook or another’s; but rather, which site offers the best opportunity for creating a clear, easy to read profile, and for searching profiles that are age and intention-appropriate.

If anything, a site that promises to do all the work for you, IS a red flag. There are no shortcuts in dating. The risk is that the people using that service don’t want to do the work. Or can’t. And that’s not good enough for my clients who desire intellectual equals, conscious partnerships, relationships that last.

I would never tell someone to go on The Bachelor to find love. But if I could talk to all those spurned girls who cry in their limos and helicopters on the way home, I would tell them: It isn’t about you. It isn’t because you should have done something different, said more, shown up differently.

It was because of the Cosmic Glue. The glue wasn’t there for you, with that guy. It’s not personal. As soon as you make it personal, you’ve lost.

* More of Lisa Hanawalt’s wonderful artistic commentary, here.